Not a Joke: Exciting New Medical Device Planned

Recently the satirical news source, The Onion, ran a piece entitled “New Device Desirable, Old Device Undesirable” which poked fun at modern press releases and analyst assessments, and never bothered to name or describe the device.
Today we came across a real life press release that, if we didn’t know better, could have been ripped from the pages of The Onion. The Solutions Group has joined forces with CrowleyJones to study the feasibility of an exciting new medical device. What product is planned? How does it work? Who will benefit? What other products have been made by these folks? Absolutely none of these questions are addressed:

Terry Jones, Managing Director of CrowleyJones, stated, “Solutions Group has presented an innovative solution to a medical problem with a significant market for us. We look forward to working with them on this proof the concept stage, and to moving on to the engineering and manufacturing of the product.”
Sean O’Neil, Solutions Group CEO, stated, “It is exciting to work with this experienced team on this new medical device.”

We’d excerpt the whole release, but while there’s more text, there’s precious little additional substance. One hint is below:

Due to the complexity of the technology, SGI will be working closely with Dr. Steven Robert Biegalski {PRIVATE}, P.E., Director; Nuclear Engineering Teaching Laboratory at The University of Texas at Austin, to ensure the success of the project.

Hmm… whatever this mysterious project involves, it requires a nuclear scientist for success! Perhaps there’s a reason for all this vagueness and secrecy (but, of course, not enough of a reason to scuttle the press release altogether…)
Image: Whatknot