Hey, ladies — are you constantly getting skin infections and abscesses in your nether regions? Are you still relying on soap and showering to remove body odors?
If you’re dissatisfied with modern hygiene and your skin’s natural antimicrobial properties, have we got a product for you! It’s called Hygeia, it features antimicrobial-bonded contton, and it’s being marketed by nonnative speakers:
Hygeia’s 100% combed cotton fabric rapidly picks up perspiration and other body fluids off the skin. These body fluids containing protein serve as nutrients for the rapid growth of bacteria, fungi and yeast that are present in the normal body flora. (when these microorganisms are left uncontrolled, they can spread rapidly at a rate of multiplying by itself) The growth of these microorganisms can cause odor and a host of other problems. HYGEIA’s active ingredient quickly, and effectively inhibits the spread of microorganisms that come in contact with its fabric giving the underwear that “just washed” freshness, even after hours and hours of prolonged use.
Which antimicrobials are employed? Hygeia mentions (but does not cite) studies showing the agents remain bonded to the cotton after laundering, but do they still work? No matter- just trust that they’ve been in the business for fifty years and “Hygeia is manufactured in a high-tech and highly hygienized facility.” Then, hypnotize yourself with the flash absorbency test . And check out this seven-minute video (including 30 seconds of test patterns up front) that explains the Hygeia technology, and features scantily-clad female models walking around gardens and airy houses. The video answered many of our questions, but unfortunately, can’t explain why a woman wearing only her underwear would be looking through binoculars…
Prices are actually quite reasonable, compared to Victoria’s Secret. Maybe a customer can vouch for its odor-preventing technology?
Flashbacks: Vitamin-secreting underwear, the Wonderjock, self-cleaning fabrics for grunts